I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize