she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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