My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize