Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
