I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
