I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
