you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
