One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
