Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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