The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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