I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
