he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
