pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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