If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
3pm strippers are depressing
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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