Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
