Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
