I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize