I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
