Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
