someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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