3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
