She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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