you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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