Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
