There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
