haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
True but thats because hes a fetus.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
