youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
