i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
