are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize