i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This baby is an asshole
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
