I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
