Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
