a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
