This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
