More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
