you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
