R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
