How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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