I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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