I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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