Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
