In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
