Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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