I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
