I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
