Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
