In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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