Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
