I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
