Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
try to milk me bitch
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