I skipped work to stalk him.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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