I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
