Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I enjoy the company of your penis
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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