my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
