New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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