my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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