It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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