toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
