On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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