So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My ATM looks so different sober.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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